Real Men Find; Dogs Chase

Real Men Find; Dogs Chase.

Musings of a Brotha on a Single Night.

If sex was money, I could live off the interest-aka the memories. The last thing I need is another “friend”. Anyone who knows me knows that I have no qualms about speaking openly about my sexual history. Many men–and women–will never admit to you that they’ve lost count; well, I lost count by the time I graduated high school. Some women have been put off by my number-or lack thereof- but I actually think its a plus. I am much less tempted by a big butt and nice rack as other males my age, because I’ve already had that. And at the end of the day, if there is no relationship, it is just a pleasant memory, a secretion after a good tug.

One of the most important things I have learned about myself over the last three years is that it doesn’t matter to me if a woman had a million dollars stuffed in her draws, I can’t fake affection and attraction. The one and only woman I’ve ever truly loved inside and out was a high school grad who braided hair for money and smoked trees as casually as one might a cigarette. She could box like a man and love like a Black Woman- endlessly. She was everything hood and good in life. And she was strong in every way that I was weak. Maybe I’ll find that again, maybe not. That doesn’t really matter to me, because I’ve always been my own best company, ever since I was a snot-nose.

The point is, I’ve been fortunate enough to come across all kinds of women in my short time with you earthlings: professional gals, ANTM’s, around-the-ways, moral runaways, and everyone in between. If I don’t like you, I can’t bring myself to like you. It sucks in the short term, because many a good woman have found themselves friendzoned after one of my 90-day reviews. I would much rather hurt her feelings up front than break her heart down the road.

But when I do fall, I fall hard.

And this presents a double-edged sword that I’ve personally sharpened with failed attempts at romance. It is a fact that the number of women I’ve dated are outnumbered 3-1 by the women who didn’t give me the time of day. See, I tend to go for the big fish, the best women I can find. She doesn’t have to look the best, but she does have to have one category in which she is without equal. I have to be able to admire something about this woman that, in turn, feeds my ego. What no one told me was that many women also like who they like and can’t be persuaded to think otherwise. We males have this collective idea of ourselves as being able to turn the hearts and minds of any woman, with the right amount of effort. Sheeiiiiiit. If she doesn’t CHOOSE you, you’ll be lucky to get a light, much less a phone number.

I never took it personal, never stayed down too long after denial, because after all, I’m Jontae Muthafuckin Grace. No hard feelings, you win some and lose some. I actually thanked them for showing me what I was attracted to. By giving me nothing, they still gave me something.

The only thing i wanted to say from this long stream of consciousness is that you can’t make someone like you. No one knows this better than I. But if you like somebody, are interested in them, or simply want to get to know them better, let them know. Too many people have missed the boat due to indecision, and too many people have settled because they didn’t want to approach the one they had eyes for. That ‘friend’ ish is worthless. You’re either boning, building, or both. Love does not compromise, and the worst thing she or he can say, is no.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going fishing.

I mean really, who would be crazy enough to pass up on THIS???

IDGAF

I’ve been neglecting my marital duties to my pen. I am supposed to wrap myself around her, give her my best vertical lift and leave her oozing uncontrollably across the page. She likes it like that. But like I told her, a man has gotta live life in order to write about it. I’ve been in the lab experimenting with my formula, codenamed IDGAF. It is a powerful emotion-suppressor that renders its user completely apathetic to public opinion. And like all medicines, over-use could have adverse effects.

Like all good ideas, Formula IDGAF started entirely by accident. One day I noticed that I had begun to care too much about what people thought of me, and it was causing me to speak and act in ways contrary to my character. At this point I still believed that I was the only one suffering from this silent affliction. That all changed with a FB status, at the time of night when a man contemplates the unknowns of his life. You know, a Pharaohs thoughts. The overwhelming response from Facebookland confirmed that this is indeed a serious condition for many of us, the extent of which is not entirely known. So with the help of my trusted advisors, I set out to learn about this peculiar ailment; and more importantly, to combat it.

Though I didn’t know it, my condition began in college. I was around the most beautiful and intelligent women I’d ever seen before or since. Dentists-to-be, Bio-Chem majors and law students, these women had me thirstier than the Sahara desert. And even though I could find my way into some of their beds, I could NOT find my way into their hearts. Whether they were chasing jerseys or careers, Tae was, quite simply, not given chase. And not to be vain, but I was something of a catch. A bachelor’s degree holder from a highly ranked university (Go Ducks!), handsome man with no criminal history who could talk international politics as well as quote any E40 lyric, I thought I was the cow’s milk. So why couldn’t I catch an empress? And with that, the self-criticism sickness had incubated.

One important thing to know about men is that our self-esteem is heavily linked to how our woman views us. If he is single, then its worse because ALL women he comes into contact with water his ego, or wither it. I slowly began living vicariously through the opinions that others had about me. And in my quest to be SEEN as a hot commodity and a solid guy I forgot to keep developing the qualities that had already made me that. And that, loved ones, is very dangerous territory.

My condition took a turn for the worst when the quality of life I was accustomed to began to spiral downward. My professional and financial health declined, and it actually made me try even harder to keep up appearances. It wasn’t until after my son arrived that I realized my focus had been in the wrong direction. And with that, the IDGAF remedy was conceived.

The first thing I had to do was turn my attention inward. This was no easy task, because cleaning a dirty room can be daunting-you never know where to start because it looks hopeless and you end up not doing anything. So instead of looking at the complete picture, I started tidying up one corner of my life at a time. Got the job, which secured the apartment, which allowed my financial and parental obligations to be satisfied with regularity. Before I knew it, I didn’t have the time or the mental space to worry about what people thought of me. I was too busy re-building the empire that I see in my mind, and by default the excess was trimmed. Quite simply, I Didn’t GAF. The formula was born.

Your self-worth is more about what YOU think of you, rather than others. Once you have found what makes you feel good about yourself, be it your child(ren), your job/achievements, or talents, you will begin to exude a certain confidence (informally called swag) that will show in your eyes and demeanor. That is the first sign that you have been taking the recommended doses of IDGAF. One thing I learned is that people are always gonna have something to say about you, for good or ill. But if you only concentrate on things in your life that you can directly control, you will notice that your positive efforts will yield more fruit, and public opinion will gradually lose priority.

Now pay close attention to this next part. Remember that you must not allow your focus on you to blind you when someone real takes an interest in you. “I’m too focused” or “I’m dedicating myself to God” are not valid excuses to disqualify someone who wants to be a part of the team. A good one will never distract you from your spiritual or professional goals; in fact they will be your number two teammate in attaining those goals. You have to realize that a good co-pilot makes the flight easier. And people are out here getting shut down for no other reason than that your load is TOO heavy for help? Interesting…

In conclusion, its not about not caring what anyone thinks about you. It’s about not caring what EVERYONE thinks about you, and keeping the right people around whose opinion you value. You shouldn’t have to overuse your powers of persuasion to win someone’s attention, and then youre wasting energy that could be better used to do some personal building. Once you tend to your own garden of life and see it flourish, your inner circle will be much more interesting that what goes on outside of it. In short, you will look up one day and realize, I Don’t Give a Fuck what people think.

Grace

Baby, You Got Some Sexy Ears.

We all know that felines and canines do not get along. So why do so many women end up with “dogs”? Are they genetically predisposed to aint-shit males? Also, why do so many good men end up with psycho baby-mamas? Are ALL the fine ones complete nut cases? The answer to both of these questions is an emphatic no, yet the issue remains: how do we sift through the not-worth-its so we can send them to the Moon without oxygen?

 

The answer is in your ears. The most underrated, slept-on feature of men and women, ears are the all-powerful key to locked doors in life and love. Ears don’t judge, they don’t gossip or lie, they just…absorb. More importantly, your ears will help you avoid some of love’s deepest pitfalls. We have all had some abysmal failures with the opposite sex, but if we trace the experience, the trail usually leads back to us listening to what a person says as opposed to what they mean. Or, maybe we weren’t listening at all.

 

Ladies, I feel for you. You have been fed a hot bowl of bullshit since childhood about beauty, femininity and the like, but the worst thing has been the Princess Theory. I will not argue whether or not you are the most important part of a man, but I will say that one of the side effects is that you have become a little self-centered with regards to your listening skills. When you are getting to know a guy you’re attracted to, you talk a little too much about yourself without learning enough about him. This is how you end up finding out (much later) that he has a child, or is still legally married, albeit separated (or not). I’ve heard some men say that the best way to get a female to sleep with you is to listen to her.  That’s whoreble.

 

You have to get better at getting to know a man you are interested in. The simplest way to do it is to simply ask him to tell you about himself. He will talk- candidly- and when he does, don’t be listening with feigned interest, all the while wondering if his stroke-game is paralyzing. You have to hear him, because it often happens that we give the most important clues to our character up front. That way we can rest assured that we “got it all out there” in case things go south later on and we have to explain ourselves.

 

What you need to know about men is that for the most part, we are pretty honest. We will give you a straight-up answer on just about anything, provided you do not ask a leading question like “Do I look fat in these?” The way to make a man lie is to ask him a question that has an answer he knows you want to hear.  So when he says “I’m not looking for anything serious, but if it goes there it goes there,” disregard that second part. Give him a no-pressure question to answer, and I guarantee he will tell you honestly what he thinks.

 

You also have to be ready to nix any progress that you might have made if he presents any deal-breakers. This can be the hardest part, because he may be the finest thing you’ve seen since your tax return and you want to at least try to make it work. But know that you can’t change a man who doesn’t want to change, no matter how hard you try. I know that you may feel that there is a scarcity of eligible brothas out there, but there are enough that you shouldn’t have to bend your unbreakables to get him to stay. Stand on your principles; just make sure that they aren’t superficial.

 

Fellas, what you need to know about a woman who really likes you is that oftentimes she will tell you what you want to hear. If you say you only having fun and don’t want emotions involved, she’s gonna play it off like she agrees, but in the back of her mind she’s fitting you for a wedding tux. It’s a trap! You have to use your listening skills just as hard because some women will say anything to get you stuck with her. And trust me, that 9month-18yr commitment is no joke. You may still think you’re playin a game, but these women out here are so serious about theirs, and will get their goals accomplished any way they can. It’s a sad reality, but I don’t really feel sorry for us anymore. By this age you should have had enough trim that you can focus on the whole woman instead of her vajayjay. It’s time to smarten up, because women BEEN smart and they know how to play the game just as good as you think you do.

 

Women put more emphasis what a man does; men put more emphasis on what a woman says. For example, if a woman is sleeping with a man who said he just wanted to be friends, eventually feelings will get involved and they will address it. When they do, a man will often say something like, “I told you this when you met me.” A woman will often counter with something like, “You said this, but you been laying up over here and eating all the Golden Grahams. So we go together now.” See how words and actions have varying importance to each gender?

 

Disconnects happen because we go ahead with our feelings or genitals instead of what our ears tell us is the best course of action. You gotta give your ears the same chance that you give your mouth, because there are so many snakes and fakes out here. Your eyes may lie, your mouth may dig a hole, but your ears will never steer you wrong.

 

Grace

Third Impressions are Everything

You see him. He sees you. You see him seeing you. He knows what you’re thinking. You know that he knows what you’re thinking. He heads toward you, cool as the other side of the pillow. En route, he trips, stumbles, Harlem Shakes, and planks, and everybody starts laughing. Does he still have a chance to talk to you?

Stop lyin’.

Chances are, that was me. Some of us aren’t the most first impressionable guys in the world. Or second. We have this rare gift called ‘awkwardness’ that women just don’t understand. And research shows that we place a high value on that first meeting to categorize people into friend, date or wife-zone. Animals also develop flashy plumage to attract mates and keep them, underscoring the importance of that first chemical reaction to another being. But human relationships are too complex to decide based on a five-second once-over, and for this reason we must give ourselves a serious, systematic chance to get swept. It can’t be one-stike-you’re-out anymore, and the following will tell you why someone who hits a home run on the first swing can put you out of the game.

Oftentimes, the women and men who make the best first impressions have the worst intentions. They have perfected the art of stepping to you or wearing the perfect eye-catching outfit. When you give them some play you find that he or she is really looking for someone to use as an elevator to get on, or an exit to get off on. That’s fine if you only want sweaty sheets, but beware of the accidental baby mama or YOU MY GIRL 4EVA types. We all like sex, but too often you get way more than you bargained for.

Also, first impressions leave you vulnerable to shiny things like cars, jewelry and Facebook booty-shot pictures. Most of us are really good at putting our best foot forward in some form or another, but some people spend too much energy on rims and red-bottoms that they have nothing left, and their substance is lacking. Conversation about Bad Girls Club or Basketball Jumpoffs doesn’t go very far; someone who intrigues you from front to back can take you the distance.

I am not saying that lesser ideas don’t serve a purpose in first meetings. Small-talk is a very good icebreaker that can lead to big opportunities. I don’t wanna talk about Israel’s predicament in the Near East or the political climate of South Sudan when I first meet a woman. Even if we are both students of the world, I want to be her pupil above all else. Sometimes it’s best to get high on each other’s spirit before we tackle the gravity of the world.

I suggest granting someone three impressions: initial, probationary and substantive. The initial impression is just that; you allow yourself to be attracted by their vibe and energy, and you admire their looks (physical and material). Then you sober up give them a probationary impression, which is basically a mental side-eye to make sure they can offer something more than a Kobe vs. LeBron argument (Kobe hands down by the way). In this period you are still guarded with a type of cautious optimism, and that’s okay because you are feeling them out, your two spirits are still circling one another.

Lastly, dig into their inner person; find out what moves them, why they get out of bed every day. What issues affect him or her to the very core of their being? If he/she says, “getting money,” you better ask directions to the farthest place away from him or her. Money is a product of constructive thought, and merely thinking about it won’t produce a single Brown-Brotha. Pyramids aren’t built with hands; they are built with thoughts and realized with hands. Likewise, relationships aren’t founded with beauty and fine clothes, but on the connection between two spirits in sync mentally and spiritually.

The number three has symbolic and spiritual significance in several cultures. When you look for a man or woman, your two eyes introduce you but your Third Eye gets acquainted with them. Some people call this intuition, gut instinct or your conscience. Whatever your name, remember that the rule of three will guide you past the snakes and fakes, putting you much closer to that elusive Love that everyone covets so dearly nowadays. As you look out at the world, I know you see the dis-ease and discord that people are grappling with daily. Sistas have it hard, Brothas have it hard, and the children have it hardest. In times like these, only genuine love for life and each other will get us through. Aren’t you tired of empty beings chasing after hollow materialism? I am. But you can’t microwave this Love; what I got is pure and uncut. Are you ready?

 

Grace

Michelle initially rejected Barack. Imagine if looks were everything...

 

 

Relationships, and (prior) Kids

Package Deal: Me and Khi-Khi.

Unless he or she has been in a time capsule, there’s a good chance that you or any person you become involved with will have kid(s). In today’s relationship scene, it is a simple reality. I think I can confidently say that most of us are past the phase where dating a parent was an automatic disqualifier (except for a few primitive souls). Some of us were either married, in a serious relationship or simply slipped up one Saturday night. But we are not lepers or pariahs; in fact we may have developed several qualities that you put in THE OTHER category on your list. You know, the ‘requirements’ column. It’s time we stop thinking of kids as baggage, and start thinking of them as a precious community resource.

Black people have always been a communal people. Everyone looked after everyone else, and their children were everyone’s children. It used to be: if I saw your child erring while you’re not around I would discipline her or him (if not physically then DEFINITELY verbally), and by the time he or she got home they momma already knew about it and was waiting with belt in hand. Parents can’t be everywhere at once and this ensured that children minded their manners because they never knew who was watching.

But over the last twenty years or so, we’ve become more Americanized and bought into the nuclear family ideal that White America has fed us since the Moynihan Report came out in the 1960’s (See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Negro_Family:_The_Case_For_National_Action ). Even if we don’t live like that (two parents two children), we’ve adopted the parental mindset that it implies. Now, most people don’t want you even SPEAKING correctively to their child, let alone disciplining them by hand. I am of the opinion that this has had a profound impact on our relationships, for the worse. How do we right these wrongs?

The hardest part of getting a good one who has doubts is convincing her or him that you are in fact a good candidate. I like to point out that we are home-oriented people and are more apt to stay in and not be out clubbing or looking for trouble. Our idea of fun has evolved into more pure, harmless outings that don’t attract much temptation. Second, parents have another element of wisdom, as we’ve learned to think for more than just ourselves. When you make it into that inner circle, you can rest assured that he or she will account for your needs just as readily as they do their children’s. There are several benefits to dating a parent, especially if you hope to be one someday. At the very least, you know that their reproductive Chakra works

But parents have to interact with the other parent as a necessity, and here is where things can get sticky. Each adult in the equation HAS to be mature enough to deal with one another on a level of respect. If you are in a serious relationship, I always encourage you to meet the BM or BD so you two can see each other and talk about goals for the child. I think when you are the step-boyfriend its easier because men usually have an understanding that the well-being of the child comes first, followed closely by the well-being of his or her mother. Sometimes women can be so territorial that it hurts the upbringing of the children, even if the parent’s relationship is over and done with. Women, yall have to regain your communal thinking, because they do not belong solely to you. They belong to God, then themselves, THEN YOU, then the community.

As a side-effect of our loss of complete commUNITY, discipline is the hardest subject of all. I am old-school on this: I believe that I should be able to discipline children that aren’t mine, just as I would expect a step-boyfriend to do to my Sun. If you expect me to provide for, shelter and feed your child(ren), then I reserve the right to pop them in the mouth or the behind when they get outta pocket. My reason is this: children (especially those 5 and under) have to see continuity in their household, otherwise they poke holes in your authority and develop obedience problems. They can’t be allowed to act one way with one adult and then another way with someone else, because eventually they will act out with their bio-parents. Kids are very smart.

Another pitfall to avoid is double-dipping. I know yall used to be boo-thangs and all, but ALL SEXCAPADES CEASE when you get serious with someone else. I was gonna emphasize this to the fellas, but I noticed that this is an issue that both genders need to put forth more effort. I don’t mind you having LOVE for your children’s father(meaning you wish them well, etc), but if you’re still IN LOVE then we have a problem. And guys, she may have some good-good, but keep it at home. Just because you have a baby with a person does not give you an 18-year license to drive that car. Park it. Better yet, sell it.

An Italian proverb says that raising a child is so hard that children need two fathers, thus the role ‘Godfather’. Well, raising a Black child in America is even harder, and they need ALL the love and protection that adults can give them. But we as parents need to do better to establish a working relationship with one another to raise these kids. Everybody talks about what our parent’s generation failed to do for us; well now WE ARE the parent’s generation. Do we want our children to say the same about us?

Grace

Relationship Gumbo

This is just a gumbo pot of proverbs that I wrote and assembled. An essay or formal piece can be so constricting at times, so string these notes together and listen to the song.

I used the masculine voice in many of these, but the concepts are gender-neutral and can be applied in multiple settings.

• Most setbacks and downfalls of relationships could be avoided if you listened more to what a person means than what they say. Nobody tells the entire truth anymore, so you have to keep your mental polygraph ready. Never take a person’s word at face-value until they’ve proven it by their actions, many times over. Most people are nickel-slick and only say what you wanna hear to get whatever they’re after. Realness is rare.

• When it comes to choosing up (evaluating prospective mates), there are two types of females: the first is content with the idea that fellas desire her. She has little or no inclination to act on the majority of advances that fellas make, and turning them down only bolsters her ego and fertilizes her vanity. On her set, she is the star and everyone else is an extra. Her thrill is in the chase, not the catch. But she doesn’t understand that no man wants a woman who dont want him (or wants him as an accessory). This type is dead weight to your goals to get further because even if you pulled her, her mindset is not geared toward forward progress and mutual fulfillment, so you would spend more time and energy appeasing her than pursuing professional and personal betterment.

• What you want is a team-oriented woman who actually wants to make things happen, and is willing to tie her agenda into yours and double-knot it. Most women cant understand how a man can mess with a female who she considers lesser quality. Its because ‘quality’ is relative to circumstance. A dime who turned down the invite has no authority to appraise the value of a woman who didn’t. Ultimately its all about handling business and contributing to the partnership, and you must put something in the pot in order to eat at the table.

• And let’s clear something up ahora. A SupaBad/Top Notch is not and has never been a woman who is simply fine. A SupaBad looks just as good on paper as she does in person, *AND* she is down to commit her energy and resources to the team effort in order to have a larger share in a larger payout. She can be considered the Holy Trinity. We have to recondition our minds to stop looking solely for the Notches, and evaluate a prospective candidate based on their entire resume. Being fine or thick is never a substitute for being an asset instead of a liability. No matter how good a person looks or how much you like them, if they aren’t down for the cause then their value is zero.

• With that said, never demand something from someone that you don’t expect from yourself. This rule cannot be stressed enough. Too many people out here are looking for mates to use as on-ramps (men AND women). To command the attention, energy and efforts of a SupaBad, you better have your own shoes laced up tight so that you don’t waste her time and keep her from getting with people like me.

• In this age its not enough to be cute or handsome anymore. No matter how bomb you think you are or look, there is always someone out there with a double-portion of what you have. So recognize that a woman/man chose you, and never forget that they could always do better. That alone should inspire you to constantly improve all areas of your life. Never get complacent.

• Ladies, understand this. When you tell a guy that you just wanna be friends, that is the equivalent of a man saying to you that he just wanna smash, nothing more. You are saying that you want a piece of this man, either his attention, positive energy or his conversation, but you dont wanna woman up and be 100% down on his team. You say you cant mess with a dude because you dont wanna ruin the friendship or you look at him like a brother. That type of thinking is shallow because that is EXACTLY what traits a good long-term partner has. Stop piecing together a meal-getting physical fulfillment from one person, emotional fulfillment from another and financial assistance from yet a third. This parasitic behavior is keeping us from reaching our potential as Kings and Queens. Go all the way or don’t go at all.

There’s a lot of people just standing in the way. I beg you all to move to the sidelines so that we real ones can find each other.

 

Unequally Yoked, Or Not? A Study In Context.

Step Out On Faith.

*sighs* Here goes nothing.

I try to maintain a certain distance between my personal life and my writing. But sometimes the best inspiration comes from the pain of life lived and love lost. So today we are going to explore one of the most misinterpreted concepts in the Bible: Paul’s command to not be “unequally yoked” with unbelievers. And believe me, this is a concept with which I am well experienced.

There is nothing more attractive to me than a spiritual woman. More than intelligence, more than beauty, a woman who has a moral compass grounded in the commands of God is a quality of the highest value. And through the years, I have met, befriended and courted several of these types of women in the hopes of forging a long-term relationship. But eventually, the path with every one of these very different women took identical turns: I was told quite simply that we were not “equally yoked,” as plainly and casually as one might say, “your shoe is untied.” As hurt as I was, I was more incensed because I do consider myself a Christian, although I’m not the holiest roller in the congregation. So I started digging, and what I came up with gave me an opening, not closure.

The concept that each of these Queens quoted to me (either with words or actions) was 2 Corinthians 6:14, in which the Apostle Paul states, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common?” Phrased this way, it would seem as if Paul is warning Christ’s followers to maintain strict social separation from non-Christians or less-Christians. That interpretation couldn’t be wronger (no typo). For confirmation, lets look at the entire passage to get a better perspective.

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? ¹⁵ What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? ¹⁶ What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God.”

At first glance, I was hurt because I felt that these women were indirectly saying that I was not righteous enough for them-which in essence, they were. Even worse, it seemed that there was a biblical scripture to support their argument. But as I began to research, I discovered that this passage has absolutely NOTHING to do with relationships, and EVERYTHING to do with atheism and idolatry-that is, the worship of other gods. And this is a textbook example of how the CONTEXT of a scripture can be the difference between a proper interpretation and complete perversion.

To give you some *context*, Paul’s letter to the Corinthians addresses a specific set of issues for a specific community. The newly-formed Christian community in Corinth (only about twenty or so people) was having difficulties establishing a coherent doctrine in an environment that was somewhat hostile to the Gospel. Paul’s letter to this community was intended to encourage them to maintain their faith, and clarify a new doctrine that had been attacked while still in its infancy. Belial (“What harmony is there between Christ and Belial?”) is the name of a demon in the Bible, one of the four crown princes of hell. It is also a term used to describe utter wickedness  and evil. What Paul was trying to do was keep his community from abandoning their faith in God and turning away to follow empty teachings and those who worshipped gods of wood and stone.

But somewhere along the way, Christians in present day snatched that idea out of its original *context* and used it to apply to Love, the ultimate symbol of unity, not division. Women and men who were steadfast in their faith began excluding those who were not at the same place on their spiritual journey. This is a huge tragedy, because the Bible speaks of Love as having the power to overcome all things, even spiritual differences. To illustrate this point, consider this scripture-also from Paul-concerning Love and marriage:

“To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. ¹³ And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. ¹⁴ For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.” -1 Corinthians 7

If anything, this passage is a more fitting command for Christians because it specifically addresses Love, relationships and marriage. I used to say to these women all the time: “I understand your point about being yoked. But how do I make you FEEL inside?” Do I make you smile? Are you intrigued by my conversation? Do I make you feel like a good woman? These are all matters of the HEART, and no man-made doctrine can be placed above it. In fact, religious commands are set up in harmony with the heart, so that it FEELS RIGHT when you live it. I always had the feeling that these women were fighting against the basic impulses of their hearts when they rejected me. Sure, I like to enjoy a drink every now and then, and I listen to rap. My speech isn’t the cleanest all the time, but I love God, and I love Love. I would never do anything to distract you from your religious journey. For what man can contend with God?

A true man or woman would never dissuade you from developing your spiritual growth. Indeed, they will add to it. But just because someone isn’t where you are in your journey doesn’t mean that they are not a good fit for you. God doesn’t always drop the blessing in our laps, oftentimes He simply presents it and if we dont pursue it, it goes away. Dont allow your religious duty to make you neglect the needs that we all have in this life: Love and companionship. Learn the difference between drinking and drunkenness: the former is a physical pleasure, the latter is a sin. Do not become so dissociated with the world that you forget that you have to live in it. Its a thin line between righteousness and SELF-righteousness. Besides, we are all sinners and therefore unworthy of salvation, aren’t we?

Peace and Blessings to you and yours, and may your cup overflow with the blessings of The Most High.

Grace.

Good Love Begins With a Good YOU.

We are at the age now where we’ve learned some very hard lessons. Good intentions are often punished, we hurt our personal progress more than we’d like to admit, and one mistake can alter the rest of our paths. It happens in life, love, money and relationships. A good portion of life is spent getting the shaft.

When it happens, it’s an uncomfortable feeling because it exposes vulnerabilities to circumstances both within and beyond our control. Our first reaction is to avoid it, and shield ourselves from the same result. Overtime, these emotional precautions become baggage. If there is one thing that I’ve learned, it’s that sometimes you gotta take one on the chin and come back for another one. And another one. How can you expect something extraordinary in life when you are guarding against it?

Love is no different. After a negative experience, we tend to build a hedge around our emotions so that they aren’t so easy to reach. The next time, we erect a fence. After that, we construct a retaining wall. Before you know it, you got barbed wire and sandbags around your heart, with a moat and drawbridge. Who wants to go through that just to get to know you??

The worst thing you can do is harden your heart to negative experiences. No one likes feeling vulnerable, but that is precisely what love is- exposing your innermost feelings and emotions to your significant other, and trusting them not to misuse that privilege. And you can’t do if you’re like Fort Knox inside.

As a male who enjoys relations AND relationships, I’ve let far too many good ones slip away, for no better reason than that I was young dumb and full of cum. Now that I’ve gotten most of my sexual goals accomplished, I’m seeing that those fireworks only make for good memories and little more. Nothing matters more than forging a lasting bond with someone, because *when your youth aka your sexual vitality is gone you are left with your character, and the relationships strong enough to outlast your youthful vigor*. That’s it. And if you choose wisely, it’ll be more than enough.

In that line of thinking, you can see how much the barriers you put in place can harm your opportunity to avoid said mistakes. It’s a tragic comedy, like being killed by the airbag. Dont become hostage to your fears and suspicions of other people’s motives. Believe it or not, most people are looking for extraordinary, not mundane. So tear them walls down, so a guy like me can tear them walls down. LOL

Sometimes you just gotta jump.

Grace

Part Two: The Man’s Guide for Choosing a Good Woman

*This piece contains graphic language, and all-around real talk. Reader’s discretion is advised.*

In Part One, I explored qualities to look for in a good woman. But the best way to get one is to become a man worthy of a good woman. Here are some tips to maximize your chances of getting a wife instead of a baby mama.

The first and hardest thing you have to do is close the door on social/sexual relations with “friends”. You can’t devote your full energy to a good woman if you still have options. I know that at the beginning of a courtship, it is natural to keep a couple communication lines open with friends/jumpoffs. After all, you dont know if the new woman is a fly-by-night, a three-month rule or The One. You don’t wanna burn any bridges with your reserves in case you end up needing them again. But that is EXACTLY why you have to shut all that down completely in order to find a good woman. Here’s another reason why.

Many women only want other women’s men. And men, being the dumbasses that we are sometimes, think she’s all up on you because you’re you. The truth is, 1.) she wants to conquer you sexually to satisfy her underfed self-esteem, and 2.) she wants to embarrass YOUR WOMAN. Females can be very catty sometimes. They strut and posture, using their beauty and sexuality over other females to form hierarchies, the same way men use aggression and wealth to rank ourselves. Viewed this way, the male is almost a non-factor, aside from a nut and bragging rights. I mean, why else would she be tryna get you after never giving you the time of day before? As the saying goes, “nobody wants you til somebody wants you.” And if you fall for it then you don’t deserve a good woman anyway.

Now pay close attention, because this next lesson is very important, and I guarantee you will see this on the final exam of life. Money doesn’t make the world go round. Money AND Pussy make the world go round. It sounds crass, but it’s the truest thing you’ll ever find, and I put that on my momma. From an early age, boys are taught that money and wealth is the most valuable resource we can gain. Meanwhile, girls are taught that their wombs are their most prized possession. Both of us are told not to give it away to just anyone, and that’s what makes money and wombs such and even medium of exchange.

The Latin name is “Quid Pro Quo” and it means “this for that,” “goods for sevices,” or “one hand washes the other”. It all depends on how much value she places on her womb. Some wombs only cost a blunt and a Four Loko. Others, dinner and a movie for awhile. The priciest cost a wedding ring. Beyonce wrote that song for a reason! It’s like dignified prostitution, but cleaned up and accepted by society. I know I make it sound gutter, but that’s only if you imagine humans as anything higher than mammals looking for the best specimen to reproduce with.

So fellas, get your money straight. You cannot take on the responsibilities of properly loving a good woman and having a family until you do. Cash is for goldfish and guppies- they’re easily impressed by a few hundred dollars. But me, I want the whale-a good woman- and that means getting on the path to good credit, retirement pensions and investments. But fellas, as I warned you before, beware of sharks and piranhas because males aren’t the only predators out there, nor are we always the most dangerous.

Happy Hunting,

Grace